Hey now
Hey now
Don’t dream
IT’S OVER
I had a super fun idea that someday when I had nothing else to do I would start writing again and it would be brilliant and you guys would think ‘it’s so great. we missed her awful editing didn’t we?’ but instead I tweet all day long and my brain is a jumble of grocery items I shouldn’t forget because I won’t be going again for a week, and trying to remember which email from which teacher is for today and the floor is very dirty all of the time so I try to vacuum twice a day and it’s a lot.
Since I can’t think of anything fun or profound to say I am just going to tell you how I make chow mein really fast on a Monday night when we’ve been eating a lot of deep fried foods and grilled meat because I cannot pass up a two-for-one rib sale to save my life. Did you know that you can turn burnt ends into rillettes and fry rice using this as both the fat and the meat ? This is a story for another day and depending on how many typos this has.
You know I can’t type to save my life so bear with me.
You won’t get this wrong as long as the ingredients are right and it will save you a lot of Panda Express money in the future.
Boil a pack of spaghetti until it’s done come on you guys know how to do this much at least but the directions are on the back of the box just in case. Is it a pound? I don’t know I use Barilla. Thick spaghetti. I LIKE IT THICC.
This is how the kids spell it these days and why I should not be homeschooling anyone.
If you don’t have a well-stocked vegetable bin, get one of those packs of preassembled salad mixes at the store. Pick the one that’s full of broccoli and other sorts of slaw/kale type things (you’re not going to use the packets so don’t worry about them. You can throw them back in the veg bin until you make another salad someday)
Get your biggest skillet. You need sesame oil, only a teaspoon or it will overpower everything and your food will taste like burnt vomit. Add 2 tablespoons of a neutral oil. Not extra-virgin olive oil or your food will taste like vomit and olives and that is not what you want out of this process. Heat oil on medium whichever kind of stove it is, medium is the middle, but electric and glass top are harder to predict so crank it until you can really smell the sesame and then turn it down pronto.
Throw in about 2 cups of chopped vegetables or the bag of salad mix give it a stir or two. I use some kind of onion, cilantro, cabbage, carrot and some kind of pepper. Do you thing, kids, are there is no science here. You don’t even have to use vegetables if you don’t want to.
Find really dark soy sauce. It’s best for things where you aren’t going to use any salt and it really caramelize nicely so if you can get it, do that. Add a few splashes of this to the veg, tablespoon or so of rice vinegar, Give it a couple stirs and dump the boiled noodles on top.
Now comes the part that will seem weird but you just have to trust me. Pour about a cup of the soy sauce over the noodles let it soak the vegetables until you really hear them sizzling then stir it to get as many of the noodles on the bottom and let it sit on the medium heat for about five minutes. Do check it though, I don’t know what your stove is like and I don’t want you to blame burning it on me.
Stir it a few times after this until it really seems sizzly and if you need more soy sauce to completely soak the noodles and make them a nice dark color, do that.
Turn off the stove and put them in a dish and add a lot of chili crisp or some kind of spicy thing because it will kill the coronavirus. I’m just fucking with you. You gotta get that disinfectant, Jack.
