Yo Jabba Jabba (or Why I Believe in Raising the Minimum Wage)

Oy. You fucking people. Let's do this math so I can stop talking about it.

Hector is my favorite non-existent dishwasher. He makes $8 an hour, which his boss either doesn't consider, does consider and feels bad, but oh well, I've got a mortgage, or thinks Hector's salary is just fine because he knows a guy who only pays his dishwashers $5.

Hector works 2 jobs a day that are 7.5 hours each so that his employers can avoid paying his insurance which means 15 x 8, or $120. After taxes, and assuming Hector has a nice wife and two lovely children, we'll consider it to be an even $100 that Hector brings home per day. Do that 25 days a month (we'll pretend he also has a few hours of OT) and look at that huge pile of cash he made. All $2500 of it. That means Hector is a median-income earner in America.

Hector's wife stays home with the kids because childcare tends to be at least $8hr. if not more, and this is a better choice for them both.

They live with her sister and her family in a 2-bedroom townhouse and their share of the rent is $750. It's not really that cheap, because there is no townhouse in any major city that is 2 bedrooms and only $1500, but I don't want to argue, so let's say after $750, Hector still has a whopping $1750 left, and his family has a WHOLE ENTIRE BEDROOM TO THEMSELVES.

Hector and his wife have a used mini-van. They live in a part of the city where there is no reliable public transportation, and with no real credit and a minimal down payment, the car costs $400. Some of you will find it impossible that a used Caravan can cost the same as a Mercedes payment, I assure you that it's true. So now we're at $1350. Good thing Hector works sun-up to sundown or he might notice how screwed he gets on things like this.

Take that $1350 and subtract car insurance and the very minimum health plan offered, because you made that $10,000 emergency room mistake once, and you're at an even $1k. It's time to feed and clothe the fam damily.

If you go to discount stores, and outlets, buy bulk, and cook every meal at home (mostly vegetarian) you can do three meals a day for a family of four for about $150. That's providing you have those stores, and know how to cook healthy meals, but Irma (Hector's imaginary wife) is very resourceful and does it. 21 meals divided by $150, no snacks, is $7.14, divided by four, giving them a very generous $1.78 per meal. Good thing Hector earns the median. Can you imagine what the lowest end of that sliding scale have to spend on food. Or people who aren't lucky enough to have TWO JOBS like Hector?

Now that we've subtracted $600 for food because $1.78 per meal isn't starving for fuck sake, you can figure out how to leisurely spend that last $400 on clothes and other fun stuff. Oh. Wait. I forgot gas for Hector to get from Job A to Job B. Something is always getting forgotten. Now that it's back up to $2.50 a gallon, it costs $60 to fill, and he uses a tank and a half per week so that's $90 x 4 and we have $40 for whatever the children need. Or dental work. or a used couch. Again, good thing Hector is never home, or he might notice how the TV doesn't come in on certain channels anymore.

Now Hector is broke, even though he worked all day, every day. Hector doesn't qualify for any social services. Hector would love to participate in all these exciting things the commercials show like paddle-boarding and $4 cupcakes, but he can't. The worst part is how we act like he's doing okay and should be out there in the 'Bu with the rest of us except NOBODY IS IN THE 'BU but the McConaughey and he probably owes someone a fuckload of money too.

It's a lie we tell, we don't want to break it down like I just did or we'd have to admit we're all kind of fucked when takeout for a family of four, from the taqueria Hector works at part of his day, costs $40, which is almost half his daily take home. We don't want to admit that this game of LIFE is running out of the white money and promissory notes are all that's left.

Life is cheap, living is expensive.

It's really as simple as 3rd. grade math.

#49. I've Seen the Brightness in One Little Spark

They just don't make musicals about exploited, blind factory workers like they used to.

#45. You See What You Want to See

Collect yourself

Be cool

Be steady as a rock

#44. I'm Nobody but I am Someone

Ani gives me winsome, wistful, hopeful truth.

Alana gives me curves.

#40. These Days I Barely Wander

Back when I used to wander, I was always out looking for signs

But they were never there, so I'd pull 'em from the air
We all believed in something, but like you I can't say why
It's just a whisper in our ear, or a bottle for our fears

Hold me to light, let me shine
Come hold me to the floor and say it's alright
Come hold me 'neath the water's skin until I'm new again

And I said what I was thinking: now you can't see what's good 'til it's gone
Then there's something to be said for a place to lay your head
You told me I was simple, and you envied me that peace of mind
Then we listened to the creek and it did much more for me

I'll hold you to the light, let you shine
I'll hold you against the floor and say it's alright
'cause down beneath the water's skin where we will swim
Those diamonds on the surface then
And, they'll come clean us, we'll both live again

These days I barely wander, and I don't need no more of them signs
I'll just breathe in all that air and be happy that it's there

   

#23. I Love You, Bronco Billy

and also you, Scatman Crothers.

#20. Jim Norton Part Two

There's still a lot to cover about urine and I know it's not as sexy as some comedians want it to be but here is a public service announcement:

You may find yourself at a Target in the men's underwear aisle and you may have opened half the boxes to feel if the lycra is scratchy or smooth and see if the waistband is separate or one of those blended deals. You could be lucky enough to score the last three boxes of the extra-long, large boxer briefs in a non-offensive color like grey or black.

You'll cringe at the register when 6 pairs of men's underwear costs $60 which is approximately 10 times what your Hanes white grannies do.

When you get home there will be twenty other chores to do, so you'll probably unwrap the new man panties, take off that little piece of tape they affix to each one to keep them tidy in the box, and throw them into the washer.

Once folded and put away you will not think a thing about them until three days later when your husband is yelling loudly from the bathroom and you go to see if there is a rattlesnake in your toilet and he tells you there is no pee-hole in his underwear.

That's right.

Sometime in the last year some manufacturers have either decided that it was too expensive or just an unnecessary accessory and now you have to add that to the never-ending list of things you are supposed to remember as June Cleaver because if there is one thing I am not going to explain to the return lady at the Big Red Bullseye, it's about my man's need to easily remove his dick at a urinal, so there goes that cash right down the toilet with his wobbly pee.

Somebody call Consumer Reports.