Wednesday, December 13, 2017

What Color is Your Cream Pie?

Hi how are you I am fine. I've been busy doing nothing but shopping at the Pig and planning my escape to Germany but I got all hackered up this morning so I thought I'd see if this thing was still signed in without me having to reset passwords and voila! I'm on my little soapbox shouting into a black hole.
There sure is a lot of talk about the empire crumbling. It is good talk, fine talk, but it keeps generalizing certain things in order to avoid finger-pointing and things that could be percieved as racist in an industry that is more inclusive of misfits and outliers than most others, which is why those of us who did it and do it, love it.

The nice and superly educated people who never have worked in a kitchen a day in their lives sorry but you haven't so please stop right now just stop, write these pieces after pieces after pieces my god how many white raper chefs are there for Mariossake that seem to omit descriptors for everyone but the white people and that is fine because BeshBataliChiarelloIuzziniFriedman but there are all kinds of people in the kitchen and they all possess their own specific traits that make them oh my god stereotypes, which is what we morons who sit at home watching Netflix comedy specials use to figure shit out. I've been in absolutely every kind of kitchen and even though I now spend my days trying to get my kids to eat brussels sprouts (dip in mayo) I'd lay dollars to dick-stuffed doughnuts that the typecasting is the exact same. Certain guys, certain pies.

What about the pie-fucking, Marisa? All dudes do it. Maybe not the pie, but yeah, the pie. And wouldn't you expect that the guys who make the pies maybe metaphorically fuck them more than the guy who sort of likes the idea, but his mom would kill him if he fucked her pie so he eats it a slice at a time or whatever. It seems that cultural differences in pie-fucking exhibit themselves in different manners and perhaps are based on the way they were taught to regard pie. In some families, pie is sacred and you can only fuck it if it's a neighbor's pie, maybe one you won't get in trouble for. In others, it's expected of the son to carry out the fine tradition. This is probably how the custard pie was invented. So much less work for the mom who has to bake it and then throw away a perfectly good pie because it's been ruined by a man.

No. I have no evidence. No, I don't know what a praxis is but I see that word a lot and think it means to keep engaging in the pie-fucking of your ancestors. I think intersectionality means everyone fucks everyone else's pie gently and with permission and positive terminology. I think if this wasn't a thing there wouldn't be 17 movies based on this very concept.

I wish there were 45,000 Daniel Pattersons in kitchens all over America. You guys need that many cooks to keep the industry you make your money on going. But don't expect the pie-fuckers to go away until the supply-demand of pie goes back to the way it was in the olden times when pie was for special occasions and not something to Instagram every nine minutes.

Treat the pie like it's special. Eat a bag of dicks instead.